Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
