Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
