Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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