Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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