So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
