Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
