I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
