I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
do nipples grow back?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
