carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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