I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
