grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
