Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
