I wish my penis had an off switch
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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