Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
