does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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