got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize