You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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