I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
