You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
