this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
