just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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