just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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