just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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