I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
