In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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