I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
