I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
