Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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