Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
