Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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