dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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