drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I am midnight drunk by noon
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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