On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
