I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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