Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
