I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
