I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
