My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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