Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
