she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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