Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize