I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
