I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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