I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
