Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
