Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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