the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
