Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was CRYING into my vagina
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
