my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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