She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
