I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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