Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
