Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just pee around me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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