look no pants
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
