all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
