I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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