i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
