no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
