I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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